


Rebound and Reconcile

by StarTravel



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Break Up, Communication, Feelings Realization, Miscommunication, POV Ezri Dax, POV Julian Bashir, Possibly Unrequited Love, Post-Break Up, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:00:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29228850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: Ezri knows Julian cares about her. She also knows he's in love with someone else. All Julian knows is that he's trying to hold on in the face of everyone leaving and rejection, but maybe he's not holding on the right way.It happens little by little, in retrospect. Forgetting. Sometimes Ezri suspects that it’s a uniquely human quality, the way they can forget. Even Julian with his perfect memory. It’s not truly forgetting, oh no, the memories are often all there, if in varying degrees of clarity. It’s the feelings that fade and grow dingy with time, the same moments that used to make someone’s smile light up not even causing a flicker in their eye anymore. It doesn’t happen for everyone of course - Jake and Kassidy still talk about Ben with the same love and frustration they always did, the same devotion of feeling. With Julian though -
Relationships: Julian Bashir & Ezri Dax, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak, Julian Bashir/Ezri Dax
Comments: 6
Kudos: 36





	Rebound and Reconcile

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much to Aidaran, who beta'ed me and made sure everything was ok before posting!

It happens little by little, in retrospect. Forgetting. Sometimes Ezri suspects that it’s a uniquely human quality, the  _ way _ they can forget. Even Julian with his perfect memory. It’s not truly forgetting, oh no, the memories are often all there, if in varying degrees of clarity. It’s the feelings that fade and grow dingy with time, the same moments that used to make someone’s smile light up not even causing a flicker in their eye anymore. It doesn’t happen for everyone of course - Jake and Kassidy still talk about Ben with the same love and frustration they always did, the same devotion of feeling. With Julian though -

Well, Ezri shouldn’t analyze Julian like that. She’s his girlfriend or something like it, not his therapist. But she can’t help worrying about how he’s barely talked about Garak or Sloan in the three months since everyone else left the station. 

But Julian smiles at her over his tea, smiling with the kind of nervous excitement Emony used to have every time she started a new relationship. He’s moving his hands through the air, talking excitedly about something she belatedly realizes she should’ve been listening to. “... And then we actually did these studies on Cardassian scale texture changes due to the cooler temperatures after the Federation took over.”

“And how much of that did you learn from Garak’s complaining?” Ezri says it with a teasing smile, leaning in across the table. She expects Julian to smile in that bemused way of his that she and Jadzia both find charming in wholly opposite ways. Instead he flinches almost imperceptibly, gaze lonely in a way she hasn’t seen it months. She might have to revise her theory about human emotions. Maybe they didn’t fade away, maybe they just got buried under layers of pretending and protection. Ezri’s not sure she should push him about this, when he tries so hard not to talk about it. She does anyway. “Have you heard from him lately? I know you and Miles talk all the time, but -”

“We send messages here and there, but really, Ezri, he’s rather busy. He hardly has time for arguing about literature with an old acquaintance.” Julian scoffs at the idea dismissively, pressing his lips into a thin line. The longing in his gaze has vanished, save the tiniest glimmer in the back of his eye. Ezri thinks it should make her more jealous than it does. 

“An old  _ friend _ .” Ezri murmurs softly as she presses a hand over his across the table, smiling warmly and hoping that maybe he’ll open up for once. Julian’s feelings are at once clear on his face and too far away to be understood by either of them. Ezri would like, just once, to really know what he’s thinking and not just what Julian thinks he should be thinking.

“That’s not what Jadzia said.” Julian snaps at her, voice icy as he looks everywhere but at her. It’s a low blow, designed to push her away and off track. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. She pulls her hand back slowly, rolling to her feet with a grace she’s borrowed from Emony. No, Jadzia hadn’t said they were friends, had known how often Julian broke his own heart without trying. Ezri’s not sure she really did before now. Julian looks up at her, eyes suddenly flooding with guilt as he jumps to his feet. “Ezri, I -”

“I’ll see you at the holosuite tomorrow.” She cuts him off with a tight smile, leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek. His skin is warm and familiar, pleasant. It’s so easy to carry on like this, pushing awkward moments and arguments under the rug where neither of them have to pay attention, have to wonder if this isn’t working.

Ezri just isn’t sure there’s enough rug left.

* * *

Julian watches Ezri sip at her martini, staring beyond him and over to the stage where Vic’s imaginary band plays the same five songs over and over again, as though mocking him. Julian knows he’s been bringing Ezri here too much, but Vic’s is safe. There are no ghosts in any corner, no whispered memories of affectionate gazes or sharp, amused smiles he thought were just for him. Here there’s just Ezri and her easy smiles and openness. It should be more than enough, but somehow the longer they come here the more wrong it feels, like they’re both wearing suits that don’t fit. 

Still, Julian wants to try. Ezri is his … he’s her boyfriend. He should make her happy, should try to be someone who can make her happy. He flashes her his most charming smile, cocking his head toward her as he reaches for her hand. “Should I take it that a quiet night out isn’t what you were looking for?”

“Not this quiet, at least. I don’t think either of us have ever gone this long without talking before.” Ezri teases him in a low voice, giving him a knowing look out of the corner of her eye. Julian shakes his head, letting out a sheepish laugh and not quite meeting her gaze. He squeezes her hand softly, hoping this can be some kind of truce between them, a fresh start. Julian wants so badly to be good for Ezri, the way he hasn’t been for anyone else. She grins suddenly, letting go of his hand so she can clasp hers. “Why don’t we do something a little more … active? Maybe that Bond program of yours with that suite in Hong Kong?”

Julian swallows tightly and remembers the feel of warm hands on his shoulders. Of scales pressing against his skin and hands dragging roughly through his hair. He can practically feel cool lips sliding down his neck and hands tugging at his suit pants, words lost to the heat of the moment. He closes his eyes and downs the rest of his scotch and tries to forget. This isn’t fair to Ezri. His voice is cold and far away when he speaks, distant to himself. “No, not the suite. There are too many memories there.”

“I can’t keep doing this, Julian!” Ezri cries suddenly, and when Julian looks up she’s pacing back and forth between their table and the next. She looks exhausted, running one hand through her hair and biting her lip. He doesn’t think being who she wants is working out tonight. She finally stops in front of him, letting out a breath it sounds like she’s been holding for awhile. “We can’t keep avoiding everything that happened, Julian. We shouldn’t. I like you too much and respect myself to be your rebound.”

“You’re not …” Julian starts because how can she be rebound for something that never really happened? He feels guilt churn low in his stomach, hands shaking slightly as he lets her words sink in. He finally meets her gaze, letting out a low sigh as he flexes his hand a few times. He’s really fucked it up this time. “I really do care about you, Ezri.”

“I know you do, Julian.” She murmurs softly, her gaze not unkind as she presses a hand against his shoulder. Somehow Julian thinks that might be the most damning thing of all. She leaves without saying anything else. Julian drinks two more martinis and tries not to think of Hong Kong.

* * *

Julian finds Quark’s empty when he finally comes out the holosuite, save Ezri sitting on a stool at the edge of the bar. Julian approaches her with a strained smile that even he knows doesn’t reach his eyes. “Ezri, I didn’t think I’d see you again tonight. I think I owe you an apology -”

“You do.” Ezri’s voice is calm and assured, mature in a way that belies her years and that Julian can’t help but be a little jealous of. Then her expression grows sheepish, almost embarrassed as though she’s the one who’s been acting like a selfish fool. Ezri stretches her arm out across the table and presses herself against the edge of the bar. Julian bites back a comment about how unhygienic Quark’s is. “I should’ve been honest about how I’ve been feeling about this, about us, instead of just letting it fester into … this.”

“And what is this, Ezri?” Julian asks softly, running his fingers along the edge of the bar. It feels as much like the start of something as an ending, the alcohol blurring reality too much for him to see how it can be both. 

“It’s us breaking up, Julian.” Ezri tells him as she stands up, smiling at him with far more kindness than he deserves right now. He swallows down the urge to tell her how much better she is than him, how she deserves better, because he doesn’t think Ezri wants to hear it right now. But maybe someday, when he’s sober and not so lost, he will.

* * *

Ezri sits next to Julian on the side of the cliff, the waves crashing below them and birds crying in a pattern that almost seems random. She feels a bit awkward bringing Julian to the same holoprogram she used for Garak, but she wanted to meet somewhere neutral and Julian’s never seen this program before. It’s been a few weeks since they broke up and they’ve been working on becoming friends again, real friends instead of whatever they were doing before. She thinks it might even be working. 

“I don’t want to stay on Deep Space 9. I don’t belong here. Not anymore.” Ezri murmurs as she looks over at Julian, giving him a thin smile. Julian swallows tightly at that, nodding a few times without looking her in the eye. She watches him stare off into the distance for a few seconds, some of that loneliness from before back in his gaze. After she leaves, he’ll be the only one left from their original Starfleet Crew left here. Everyone else has moved on. Even Kira, who is still there physically, is taking on new roles as their Commander and on Bajor. “You should too, Julian.” 

Julian scoffs at her words, something bitter and resigned in his laugh as he stretches out on the grass. He smirks up at her, his expression of a facsimile of Garak’s. Then his expression shifts, gaze flicking to the ground and some of the tension going out his frame. She just wishes he looked relaxed instead of defeated. “There’s nowhere for me to go, Ezri. Surprisingly, Starfleet isn’t interested in promoting people who break Federation laws.”

“What about Cardassia?” Ezri says with a raised eyebrow as Julian makes a choked sound in the back of his throat. They haven’t talked about Garak since they broke up, and they didn’t really talk about him then. She knows Julian loved him, hell, she thinks Dax knew before Julian did. But Ezri also knows how afraid of rejection Julian was, how he let himself pine for years, first after who he thought Dax was and then for Garak. She thinks it’s time he let himself actually reach. “I know you’re afraid Julian, but if you just told him -”

“I did.” Julian cuts her off, finally looking up from the grass, expression bordering on desolate. Ezri wasn’t expecting that. Julian lets out a noise that’s just a little too wet to be a laugh, running his hands through his hair so that it ends up sticking up in multiple directions. Suddenly his loneliness makes more sense. “I told him I loved him after I saw him die in that simulation and he played it off as a joke. I spent the night with him once, in that suite you wanted to see but … then Ziyal came.”

“Oh, Julian.” Ezri slides an arm around his shoulder, biting her lip as she thinks back to that Julian, so young and bright and hopelessly naive. Someone to be protected rather than held, if she remembers how Preloc describes love correctly. And Ziyal … Well, Dax has never understood Garak’s relationship with her, if it was truly romantic or simply convenient for Garak to let everyone think it was. Ezri supposes all that matters right now is what Julian believed. “And After Ziyal?”

“I asked him if he thought he could ever return my feelings before everything went to hell. He told me that he wouldn’t tell me if he did.” Julian lets out another watery laugh, but there’s a sparkle in his eye that looks a little like hope. He smiles crookedly and for once it reaches his eyes. “Really, it was very Garak of him.”

“Which means he did, or he thought he could, but he didn’t want either of you to get hurt.” Ezri keeps her words blunt but measured. Julian’s never been one for subtly, and she doesn’t think now’s the time to start. Julian scoffs but there’s no heat behind it, that spark of hope in his gaze growing little by little. She wonders if he’s figured out what most of them have known all along. He twists a few of the blades of grass between his fingertips without saying anything. “Julian, why aren’t you there?”

“No matter what he may have felt, he made it clear he didn’t want me there.” Julian mutters under his breath, looking torn.

“Maybe you should ask him again. A lot’s changed since the war ended, including both of you.” Ezri says as she holds her hand out to him, the grass and cliffs around them fading away into the emptiness of the holosuite. Julian takes her hand and they walk out arm in arm. Ezri doubts either of them will go back in again.

* * *

Julian waits for Ezri by the shuttle bay on her last day on Deep Space 9, giving the station an almost melancholy stare as he sweeps his gaze over the rest of the promenade. It’s quieter now that the war is over, emptier even though Julian thinks there are more people living here than before. It will always feel like home, just a little bit, but it hasn’t looked like one since Garak and Miles both left the same day. 

Julian is broken out of his reverie by a tap on his shoulder, Ezri looking up with a grin as she drops her bags on the floor in front of them. Julian pulls her into a quick hug, the history between them not making it as awkward as it should have. Julian lets go of her and gives her a quick once over, taking in the sheen of red by her color. It looks good on her. “Rumor has it you’re transferring to the Enterprise. Congratulations, Ezri Dax. It’s well-deserved.”

“What about you, Julian?” Ezri asks as she watches the door to the ship slide open. She doesn’t look nervous this time, eyes bright and excited in a way that makes Julian feel terribly old. Ezri is a remarkable person, one he’s lucky to call a friend. He thinks that might not have happened, in a universe where they let their relationship drag on until they both ended up embittered and spiteful or - Well, it didn’t happen, so it doesn’t bear thinking about now. Ezri glances at him, raising an eyebrow pointedly. “Where will you go?”

“I don’t know, I’m waiting for a message.” Julian tells her with a wry grin, pushing down the lingering doubt he could feel burning through him. Either Garak will want him to come, or Julian will take this next pseudo-rejection as the final one and find his own path. Either way, he needs to move forward. Time on Deep Space will not stand still or be erased just because he wants to play pretend.

The letter comes a week later and Julian leaves on the next shuttle, padd clutched between his hands.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please let me know if you have any questions or think anything else needs to be tagged.
> 
> I wrote this originally for the Time Fest, but the theme didn't end up fitting with where the characters went with their story.


End file.
